writing, writing and writing…

I am writer and writing a challenge to me. Although I have done two writing jobs professionally, including the one I have right now, I still find it very challenging in the sense that I know I couldn’t come up with an easy article or write up. I always find myself overwhelmed of all the ideas running through my head and the fact that I am, yes, really writing and it’s going to be published in a website.

Okay, I have two roles at work. One is a team’s supervisor and another is a copywriter/editor. Although yeah, that supervisor thing seems posh but I am not going to talk about it now. Often times I find myself lost of words or couldn’t even start writing at all. Though, it’s more of like my way of writing, my rituals if you may call it, wherein I let the thing (or topic for that matter) sinks in to my system first then after a day or two or three or four at times, the juicy ideas starts flowing. It’s good that way because I know no matter how much I push myself to write, if I am not inspired, I can’t come up with anything. But the downside is, I am often left with a few more days till the deadline that results to cramming. Yes, I am so good at procrastinating that I cram so much after. The great crammer I should say.

But it’s a bad habit I know. Not only that I lose the precious time, but I also lose money. Well, Time is Money as they say. I should do something about my writing style.

While I know every writer have their own rituals and all that sort to get them inspired to pick a pen or face their computers, my own ritual has to change, if not improved for the better.

Plus I know I have so much to learn about writing. I have to improve so much in a lot of areas, particularly on the creative side. I should start digging for more information now and tips on how I can accelerate my writing to a more professional level.

Although sometimes I doubt and question myself, is writing really for me? Am I really a writer or just a self-imposed one?

Oh well. I can’t finish this one… I’ll get back to you later.

Of realizing, loving and hurting…

I’m torturing myself now. this is the 3rd time i guess I played Colbie’s “realize” on youtube.. and it has the same effect, the first time i’ve listened to it -it made me cry and it’s making me cry right now.

I wonder when is he going to “realize”. Or will he ever? If he won’t. That’s scary. My worst fear. I don’t want to narrate all the details of our relationship, but I think 4 years has been very significant that even though it was a long distance, not to mention, online relationship, it has and still have a great impact on me. Four years is four years.

We’ve been through a lot. I have been through a lot. It wasn’t easy. We’ve had our own share of those melodramatic moments when we have let each other go, several times, but then coming back again to each other over and over.

Yes, it seems impossible for us to be spending our lives together for good. Impossible for skeptic. Impossible for those who aren’t willing. But I am. I always am. But he isn’t.

But what is the point? Why does he always come back and then after a while, would stop saying anything and nothing at all, just all of a sudden, he’s gone. We’ve been through this circle over and over…

I remember he said, even though he knows it is impossible for us to end up in marriage and have a family of our own like what we’ve used to dream before, he will stay with me. He won’t be gone again. He won’t hide. Not leaving me again. But he will have to let me go in case I meet someone, whom he thinks will be any way better than him. Which torments my heart. I’ve said it to him a lot times how he breaks my heart whenever he request that I go out with another man. At first, I knew he never meant it. and probably just trying to hide all the pain while saying it.I wonder how hard it is for him and how much courage he mustered for him to say that to me.

There was even a time, when he said that “In the next life, You will be mine and no one can take you away from me. But now, I want you to be someone else’s”

I didn’t know how those words came out from him. I couldn’t believe it.

He cried that time saying that.

I don’t know… I don’t know now… but why does he always come back and leave and come back and leave again? and again and again and again? And why am I so stupid to accept him again and again and again? Why?

I know.. because I know this is no ordinary, that this isn’t just one sick puppy love thing, not just one online thingie that’s never meant to be, because it has surpasses all that. Because I’ve realized that he’s the one I need, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know, I know, I’ve said those lines when I met other men in the past..But this one’s not just the same. But he hasn’t realized that. Or maybe he has, but is just denying it to himself. Or maybe just too coward to take a risk. Or just protecting people he cares about.

That’s what he’s been wanting me to understand… that he is doing this to protect me and his family. I don’t know and I really don’t understand how you can say you love someone but never want to be with her or that you just gave up being with her. Like you’ve accepted that there is no way for real love to reign.

I can’t make him to be willing. I can’t make him realized. It has to come from him, from the inside of his heart and have that longing and willingness to face all the odds.

Now, we aren’t communicating. Just all of a sudden, I heard nothing from him. I’ve tried calling him, sending messages, etc… but he is deliberately ignoring. Now I wonder what is it this time. But I will let him take his time… take all the time he needs. I hope he’ll get to realize what he wants in life and what will make him happy and bring real happiness and joy to him, and that he pursues it.

And I will wait. Wait until he’s ready to talk it over, to let me know what he’s thinking… I guess I’m martyr like that. Or this is just me loving and not giving up on us.

I wanted to put everything into writing..into this blog…I wanted to express every feelings and thoughts I have at this moment, while the song plays and tortures me continuously. Perhaps, doing this would make me numb or would eventually dried up all my tears… Or I guess it’s better I let it to myself. Just to myself and no one else.

Stop.

It’s too much.

ignorance is bliss? is it?

Is ignorance really bliss? Is it really better not to know anything so you wouldn’t get hurt?

of writing and blogging and not being organized… duh?!

sometimes, I just want to write just the way the guys from Jars of Clay do. They have this gift for writing inspiring lyrical prose, which when someone get to hear their music or read their lyrics, would be awed at how they were able to come up with such words and put it all together to describe their feelings or thoughts.

I’ve always admired them for their gift in writing and I wish that I can do the same. I have written some poems a lot of times in the past, some of which were accepted as entries (finalist) in an international poetry contest. However, I still feel that my writings need a lot of improvements particularly on the creative side.  There has been a few times in the past when some of my musician friends approached me and ask if I could write a lyrics for them. I did not exactly agree but also didn’t disagree with the idea, but I just answer (indirectly) that I will give it a try. However, I always end up not coming up with anything. I am, often, too overwhelmed when they do that or somehow feel pressured. I know I have a lot of ideas in my mind and they are actually bothering me so much especially at night, when I can’t sleep because of the rambling thoughts I’ve got in my heads. That’s the reason why I can’t sleep early no matter what I do which often results to an argument with my parents (when I was still living with them), but then that’s another story now.

But those ideas, thoughts rambling on my head… I can’t seem to squeeze them out through my pen and paper, or to my computer. I often find myself writing an intro but can’t finish the entire stuff because I do not know which I should write first.

Or perhaps, maybe I am too focused on how people might react to what I’m going to write. Maybe, I don’t know.

Actually, I have been blogging for quite a while now although there has been an interval for a couple of years. I think one of the reasons was I had a writer’s block. Yes, for that long. My blogging life started in 2003 and I am happy to have some people I can call my readers, enjoying each entry I wrote. They never get tired of my novel-like entries… they even asked for a follow- up.  Some of them even became my good friends in real life. Although my readers weren’t as many as Limpbwisit’s back then, or mindgames’ ( I suspect none of you knows them. LOL), but they were some of the bloggers who got heaps of readers/followers during the time when blogging (at least in the PH) weren’t as popular as it is now, but I am happy to have my own fans. LOL.

But this gets me thinking, although now that the prodigal blogger is back on cyberspace, I wonder if I my writings were influenced by what I think the readers would say or think about it, or it is just me letting my thoughts flow into this piece of writing.

See right now, I know this even doesn’t even make sense at all. I mean, look at how I am writing… no focus at all. I was talking about how good jars of clay is when it comes to writing their lyrics and now, I’m talking about another thing.

Is that really my problem? Lack of focus? well on my writing. Lack of aim.

What is my aim then?

Urghhhh!!!!

I really have a problem writing I know. It’s all about how I organize my thoughts and express them finely through this blog or other ways. That’s my problem I guess, I AM NOT ORGANIZED.

Which leads me to thinking… Oh forget it. that’s going to be another entry! Will write them later.

Imagine a World without Filipinos

Just thought I’d post this inspiring article here. Proud to be Pinoy!

—–

Imagine a World without Filipinos

by: Abdullah Al-Maghlooth | Al-Watan, almaghlooth@alwatan.com.sa

Muhammad Al-Maghrabi became handicapped and shut down his flower and gifts shop business in Jeddah after his Filipino workers insisted on leaving and returning home. He says: “When they left, I felt as if I had lost my arms. I was so sad that I lost my appetite.”

Al-Maghrabi then flew to Manila to look for two other Filipino workers to replace the ones who had left. Previously, he had tried workers of different nationalities but they did not impress him. “There is no comparison between Filipinos and others,” he says. Whenever I see Filipinos working in the Kingdom, I wonder what our life would be without them.

Saudi Arabia has the largest number of Filipino workers — 1,019,577 — outside the Philippines. In 2006 alone, the Kingdom recruited more than 223,000 workers from the Philippines and their numbers are still increasing. Filipinos not only play an important and effective role in the Kingdom, they also perform different jobs in countries across the world, including working as sailors. They are known for their professionalism and the quality of their work.

Nobody here can think of a life without Filipinos, who make up around 20 percent of the world’s seafarers. There are 1.2 million Filipino sailors.

So if Filipinos decided one day to stop working or go on strike for any reason, who would transport oil, food and heavy equipment across the world? We can only imagine the disaster that would happen.

What makes Filipinos unique is their ability to speak very good English and the technical training they receive in the early stages of their education. There are several specialized training institutes in the Philippines, including those specializing in engineering and road maintenance. This training background makes them highly competent in these vital areas.

When speaking about the Philippines, we should not forget Filipino nurses. They are some 23 percent of the world’s total number of nurses. The Philippines is home to over 190 accredited nursing colleges and institutes, from which some 9,000 nurses graduate each year. Many of them work abroad in countries such as the US, the UK, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Kuwait and Singapore.

Cathy Ann, a 35-year-old Filipino nurse who has been working in the Kingdom for the last five years and before that in Singapore, said she does not feel homesick abroad because “I am surrounded by my compatriots everywhere.” Ann thinks that early training allows Filipinos to excel in nursing and other vocations. She started learning this profession at the age of four as her aunt, a nurse, used to take her to hospital and ask her to watch the work. “She used to kiss me whenever I learned a new thing. At the age of 11, I could do a lot. I began doing things like measuring my grandfather’s blood pressure and giving my mother her insulin injections,” she said.

This type of early education system is lacking in the Kingdom. Many of our children reach the university stage without learning anything except boredom.

The Philippines, which you can barely see on the map, is a very effective country thanks to its people. It has the ability to influence the entire world economy.

We should pay respect to Filipino workers, not only by employing them but also by learning from their valuable experiences.

We should learn and educate our children on how to operate and maintain ships and oil tankers, as well as planning and nursing and how to achieve perfection in our work. This is a must so that we do not become like Muhammad Al-Maghrabi who lost his interest and appetite when Filipino workers left his flower shop.

We have to remember that we are very much dependent on the Filipinos around us. We could die a slow death if they chose to leave us.

of sleeping, working and dieting

Right! It’s 2am and I’m still up. I am feeling sleepy though I feel that the night is still young. Yes, I am not used to sleeping early although I’d really want to do that. I want to be able to experience starting the day right by getting up early and then go to bed at a not-so-early time. But I don’t want to get up at 5am or worst at 4am like before when I was still working. That’s the very reason I resigned from my job aside from the feeling of wasting time in a job I don’t intend to grow into (although it seems now that I am considering it. But that is another story!). I want at least to experience getting up at 6 or 7am and smell the morning mist. The classic morning where you eat breakfast at 7am, read Bible, a book or a newspaper though right now, I rarely get my dose of news from the print instead I read them online or just watch news on tv.

After resigning from my job last December, I haven’t found a replacement yet. Yes, it has been 3 months now and I’m still jobless. But I worry not since I do some freelance jobs which is really convenient because I work from home. I guess that is one reason I don’t bother hitting the sack early at night because I don’t have to worry being late for work the next day anymore. I can sleep anytime I want and get up anytime I want, unless it’s a Sunday for it is a church day. That isn’t negotiable. I really have to get my ass off the bed and prepare for the church. Although it’s good that we have afternoon service now and I have an option if I really can’t go in the morning. But I prefer going to church in the morning than afternoon. Talk about starting your day right.

Going back to working from home, one of the great benefits of telecommuting (although mine isn’t really telecommuting, more of freelance) is that you don’t really have to dress up because it is rare that your customers visit you at home, so you can always wear comfy clothes. But I’d say that is also a downside because I miss dressing up for work. I miss going out of the house in the morning to head to the office. But when I think of the traffic, the 8 or nowadays it is 9-hour job and insufficient payment, I realized it’s better to work from home and get direct payments from clients. I guess we really can’t have it all.

I have been working almost all day today editing information of video clips and also teaching my Turkish student online. I’d say it’s exhausting since I almost never left my pc except for bathroom trips (that includes taking a shower) and preparing my lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I only had caesar salad that I prepared myself. I didn’t eat rice today that’s why I somehow feel good because it’ll help me in achieving my goals to shred some pounds but at the same time I also feel like I deprived myself of a good meal. Arrrggh!!!! Now I feel hungry. I had wheat bread with tuna spread, lettuce and cucumber and a cup of coffee for breakfast, caesar salad for lunch and fresh milk, banana que and skyflakes with tuna spread for snacks and oatmeal for dinner. Banana que though was not really a good choice for a person who wants to lose weight since it is a sugar-coated banana and deep-fried. Eww!!!Too much fat!

I was tempted though to take a trip to a nearest fast food in my place to have my rice consumption but I realized I have no more money on my wallet. All I have in my coin purse is PHP 22.75 . Poor me! I was too lazy to go to the bank since it was already rush hour and that means heavy traffic. But then I thought of borrowing a hundred bucks from the money that my aunt kept in the cabinet and will just tell her the next day and return it after. But I came to my senses! I AM ON A DIET! Fast food shouldn’t be an option. Well not really but at least not frequent. Plus I have made a daily menu that should follow otherwise there is no sense of doing it. And I was successful. But tomorrow, I swear I’ll have some rice.

Promise.

Holy Week

It’s holy week or lenten season as other’s know it. In the Philippines, we have a 2-day holiday which are mostly used for vacation or family reunions. For some people it’s time to hit the beaches or visit relatives in their respective provinces. And for those who will stay at home, it means DVD-Marathon days. Thank God for DVDs or else it’s going to a boring week. hehe… Actually, it is better now because most television stations now show movies or some special programs other than Bible-related ones, which I also like (well just some of it since some are way too old, lol ) compared before when you will be bored to death because there were almost no programs being aired. For others this means reuniting with family members, oh did I already say family reunions? For some, it means out of town trip! I remember also going on a 3-day vacation with my sister and some of our church friends in some provinces in Luzon. I managed to join them in two of their trips which is in Isla Verde in Batangas and Baguio City. Oh well, for Catholic devotees (especially for the older people) this means praying or going to church or something similar to that. They have this procession to parade their statues of saints. Others even have themselves literally nailed on the cross as their expression of penance while others would walk miles going to Grottos or even hike a mountain as a form of sacrifice I guess (I don’t really know, I am not catholic so I don’t know what they do exactly.) Also, most of them forbid themselves from eating meat such as chicken, pork or beef but not fish (it is also meat) that is why the price of fish and veggies always increase at least by threefolds in this time of the year. Even bathing on a Thursday (or is it Friday) is prohibited. Talk about superstitions.

I grew up in a Christian family and ever since I was young we were thought about Jesus dying to save us, His birth and other teachings about God. But we never really celebrate holy week. I don’t know what others’ beliefs are about this week that whenever Lenten comes you are expected to behave well, meditate, keep quite or in short you aren’t allowed to party. LOL. Just kidding. But yeah you are not allowed to be so happy or goof around. Any kind of noise is discouraged. Well, at least that is not the case in our house, unless we are at some relatives’ house. I remember when I was young, that the elders from our neighborhood would shout on me and my playmates if we play outside and started laughing. They’ll say be quiet because Jesus is dead. I don’t know but I was thought that Jesus died only once and that He rose from the dead on the third day and ascended to heaven in the presence of His apostles. So how come every year in this season they say Jesus is dead? The cross is empty. The Savior is alive and is in heaven watching over us.

Yes we should remember greatest sacrifice - the death of Jesus because if not for Him, we wouldn’t have the gift of salvation. But we should remember it always, not only this time of the year but all the time. We also must remember that He died only but once, rose again and now in heaven with the Father.

~0 ~0 ~0

I just want to post this song revived by Jars of Clay:

O COME AND MOURN WITH ME AWHILE (Our Lord Is Crucified)
traditional words traditional words by Frederick W. Faber (alt. by Eric Ashley)

music by Eric Ashley O come and mourn with me awhile
O come near to the Savior’s side
O come together, let us mourn
Jesus our Lord is crucified Seven times He spoke
Seven words of love
And all three hours His silence cried
For mercy on the souls of men
Jesus our Lord is crucified

O love of God, O sin of man
In this dread act your strength is tried
And victory remains with love
Jesus our Lord is crucified

O break, O break hard heart of mine
My weak self-love and guilty pride
His Pilate and His Judas were
Jesus our Lord is Crucified

O love of God, O sin of man
In this dread act your strength is tried
And victory remains with Love
Jesus our Lord is crucified

O come and mourn with awhile

A broken heart, a fount of tears
Ask and they will not be denied
A broken heart love’s cradle is
Jesus our Lord is crucified
Jesus our Lord is crucified
Jesus our Lord is crucified
Our Lord is crucified And victory remains with love
Jesus our Lord is crucified

O love of God, O sin of man
In this dread act your strength is tried
And victory remains with love
Jesus our Lord is crucified

Filipinos Today

I once listened to a speech by one local politician, not a traditional one though, talking about the current political situation in the Philippines. He enumerated what the current administration has done and is doing at the moment. He reminded us about the scams the present government has, like the “fertilizer scam, textbook scam, the 2004 electoral fraud popularly known as the Hello Garci Scam , the malacanang bribery and others I could not remember, including of course the famous ZTE-NBN Scandal that is currently being investigated by the Senate, Department of Justice and the Ombudsman. The scandal proved to be a really huge one after the star-witness Jun Lozada named some prominent and influential people that including the first couple as part of this multi-bilion ZTE- NBN Deal.

Anyway, that is not what I am writing about now. Well maybe I’ll write about it later on. I was particularly moved by what this local politician said about the Filipinos today. I don’t know where he got it but it’s something that bothers me. Well, from his speech he said that today there are 3 kinds of Filipinos and they are:

1. The News Junkies- which is about 15% of the population

2. The News Ignorant - which is again 15%

3. The News Junkies turned News Ignorant- which describes the 70% of the population.

I’d like to change number 3 though. A friend of mine indirectly suggested that it should be “News Junkies turned Apathetic.” Sad to say but it is true.  Most Filipinos seem to have become numb and unconcerned about the country now. It seems that they couldn’t care less now whether those  in position right now are robbing the people through anomalous government projects, constantly lying and fooling its citizens and abusing its power. It is alarming that most of the population fell on category 3 who seem to lost interest on what’s going on their homeland.

Somehow I’d like to think that it is because of what seems to be“failed” People Power Revolutions that happened twice (or thrice) in the past. Yes we (I was part of EDSA People Power 2) successfully ousted the immoral president in 2001, and evicted the most hated dictator in 1986 (ESDA People Power 1). Call me bias but I’d rather not mention the 3rd EDSA. I once read an article, I forgot where but it says that probably the reason why the people particularly the middle class or the working class seem to lose their interest now is because the Marcoses who were ousted from the position through People Power 1 are still free and were not really charged for their wrongdoings and that some of their family members are again in the position now. Then Joseph Estrada who was also ejected from presidency through People Power 2, and though was charged for plunder and other cases and was under “house arrest” for a few years and was charged guilty with his plunder case last year by the Sandigan Bayan and was sentenced for a Reclusión Perpetua, which could have been a proof that justice exists in the Philippines and it does not favor the rich and those in power, turned out to be completely the opposite when he was pardoned by no other than Gloria herself which makes him a free man now. Ironically too, he is one of those calling the one who pardoned him to resign now because of the controversies surrounding the GMA government. Isn’t that funny?

These probably are the reasons why people seems to have not grown interest in joining the street protests against GMA. Those who were ousted are still free now, enjoying their wealth. Some of their family members are again in power, they were not jailed in the truest sense of the word, yes because ERAP was just under “house arrest”. He still could eat all the food that he wanted, experience luxury except to go out of his house. But still he didn’t experience what the other prisoners have in National Bilibid Prison. People might have a thought that if GMA will be ejected from Malacanang, she and her “cohorts” will not be charged as well or that  justice will not be served.

Somehow I don’t want to blame them for thinking that way but I do hope that the patriotism and nationalism will spark once more in their hearts and minds and that they will open up their eyes with what is going on in our beloved country and start to stand up and fight for truth, righteousness and morality to reign in this country.

like roller-coaster ride

Last week a lot of things happened. I’d say it was like a roller-coaster ride week. I don’t have to mention everything that happened, probably just the highlights, like perhaps seeing an old friend (or family friends) whom I haven’t seen for I guess almost 10 years. Yeah it was nice seeing her again but not so good when you meet again at a wake, well her mom’s wake. Then attending a conference, well this is church related and it turned out awesome. Next is visiting another family friend at the hospital who underwent an operation. Not to mention taking Mom to the hospital on that same day because of too much stress. Whew! And lastly, being heartbroken on the night of Valentine’s Day as my bf and I officially ended our 3-year-on-and-off relationship. And yes, it does hurt. So much. But I don’t want to think too much of that now. I would like to think that it was for the best, and I hope it was.

heart’s day

Oh yeah today is valentine’s day. I don’t know but ever since I was a worm (fine, larvae!) I don’t remember celebrating it, even until now that I am a 26 years old. While the rest of world is busy celebrating this what they call the day when love is all around, (which can happen everyday), I am just at home, either working or just being idle. Actually I wouldn’t even feel that today’s a valentine’s day if not of the relentless news about valentine’s on tv and even on the net.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not bitter. It is okay for me if people celebrates it while I don’t. I don’t whine for not being in a fancy restaurant with a gorgeous male as a date matching with a dozen of vermilion roses on the table. Yeah, I don’t have a date and that is because I chose it. Actually it may be too early tor reveal that I am on a rocky relationship now, but that is not really a reason why I don’t go out on the 14th of Feb. Even if I am single or taken, it is really not my habit to go out on this day. Aside from one of the “commercialized” holidays/events in a year, the traffic is so bad you’d really wish you didn’t go outside your house.

But anyway, for those who celebrate it, Happy heart’s day then!

to blog again

I have been a blogger since 2003, only that I used to blog in another free-blogging service site that eventually turned into a paid-blogging service site. Actually, they deleted my first blog when I didn’t get the luxury of time to update it for a quite a while. They informed me that I should at least update it every 4 months or 3 times a year which I failed to do due to some issues I had to face way back. I asked them if they could retrieve my past entries since they are important to me but unfortunately, they can’t or they didn’t. So I though I should start all over again under the same name since for the sake of my readers. But then I was not so motivated to write to that blog anymore even though I spent time customizing the skin of that blog of mine. Probably it is because I have been wanting my previous posts which I have written with all of my heart, but I couldn’t. So when they sent a notice that they will no longer be providing free service, I wasn’t really affected at all, well not affected anymore compared to when they deleted my first blog site.

I also tried other blog sites which still exist up to now but is not updated too. LOL. But I intend to keep it along with this new blog I have here at Worldpress.com. I think this is fresh way to start blogging again. I hope to update this as often as I can. Well, that does not mean I have to do it everyday but since I have all the time in the world now (I quit from job), most probably I would.

I don’t know much about WordPress.com but I have seen a lot of blogs hosted in this domain which are quite popular. Oh, no, that is not the reason I decided to blog on here. One reason I chose WordPress is because of its nice layout. They are simple but elegant. No clutters. Well at least that is what most of the available skins they offer are like. Oh well yeah that also depends on me if I want to use a skin I designed myself or I get from another blogs’ skin-provider sites, that is if WordPress allows that option. And that is something I have to find out. But for now, I’ll stick to the ready made ones.