Moved…

This blog has been moved to:

http://ywriteswhatever.wordpress.com/

maybe today, i could put the past away — jumper (3rd eye blind)

Caffeine and PMS

In my recent visit to my doctor due to Upper RTI, he told me to cut down on caffeine.  Yes, coffee.  And the other day, while I was having coffee at my favorite coffee shop (yes, I’m bad. Not following my doctor’s order. hehe), I read from a magazine what caffeine and sweets can do to your body that eventually will result to the irritating mood swings.

So I did my internet research on caffeine and sweets about them triggering the mood swings in women.  I don’t exactly remember every words, but it says something like caffeine is a drug and it causes your body to be on a ‘fight or flight’ mode.  Caffeine triggers the release of the stress hormones that you may use to prepare yourself for a dangerous situation, like what they cited, a war. But like for me, who just sits at my desks at the office, it may not be necessary.  Of course, moderate consumption of caffeine is fine. Well, everything that is in moderation is better.

But my consumption is way beyond the moderation. I am a coffee lover. Or addict, whichever suits best. I love sweets too. Chocolates are my vitamins. =) haha… and it is so hard to resist them. Unfortunately according to my internet research, they both have effects on my body particularly in my mood.  And true enough, I experience mood swings. There will always be days or weeks in a month that I get annoyed easily, irritated, overly sensitive and become a crybaby.  I hate it. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t like undergoing such stage wherein one minute you are happy, but the next you are sobbing. That’s just so crazy. It doesn’t make me feel good and it affects my relationship to others. It even ruined my relationship with my ex. Damn.

Oh well, so now I am having this experiment on myself. I will not drink any coffee for a month and will really try to avoid anything with caffeine. Sweets…. I will also avoid them, especially chocolates. I will see what wonders  it will do to me and my moods. I will see if they are really the culprit to my everchanging moods.

So I am daring myself:

*No coffee or anything with caffeine for a month
*No sweets too

I just started two days back and I haven’t had any coffee. Weeeeee!!!!!

Why I grieve for the loss of President Corazon Aquino

from my journal, dated July 26, 2009:

“I am personally saddened about learning that the former president Aquino is in the hospital fighting for her life. I pray that she gets better soon.”

~~~~   ~~~~   ~~~~

This is what I wrote in my journal while we were on our way home from the church where our head pastor lead a prayer for President Aquino. Indeed I was personally saddened upon learning her condition while she was still Makati Medical Center, but now my heart grieves for her loss.

I was born in the 80′s. I was 4 years old  when she became the president. All I could remember was the election, seeing Marcos’ face on the television and hearing my parents and some adult relatives and neighbors talking about them. I even remember saying, “kawawa naman si Marcos”, but I was corrected by my aunt, telling me that he deserves it. Of course, I really have no idea what was happening that time, I don’t understand what was going on, all I know is that Marcos looks pitiful on television. But the people around me were all rejoicing over Aquino’s victory. Few years after that, I was in my mother’s hometown which is a 2-hour drive from Manila, I remember  while playing “baril-barilan” with my childhood friends (yes I used to play a lot of boys’ games) an elderly neighbor shouted at us and told us to stop playing. She said, there is already a chaos happening in Manila and playing a game like that is not quite pleasant to see. She was talking about the coup d’é·tat. Then I also remember seeing advertisements on TV with some military men’s faces whom the government called as state enemies for staging the coup. I particularly recalled Honasan’s head shot. I also remember the massive power interruptions. Other than those I have mentioned, I don’t remember anything anymore during her term. I guess I was too young to remember.

But about 1-2 decades after, I have some good memories about Mrs. Aquino. I don’t personally know her and haven’t even seen her in flesh but with her participation in fighting for truth, justice and righteousness during the past few years, she had earned my utmost respect. She bravely went out to the street and made her stand on political issues. Even after being diagnosed for cancer, she still didn’t stop supporting the fight for righteous government. Truly she is an icon of democracy and with her joining forces with the other Filipinos who never lose hope for the Philippines, it added a lot to our confidence.

I was saddened by her illness and grieves for her death. I felt like we have lost someone so significant, someone so vital for the fight we are fighting for the future of the nation. That I think is the very reason I grieve.

For the past few days, reports were showing the whole Philippines in grief. We are all mourning. They also showed how her death unifies the Filipinos. It is indeed good to see my fellowmen show concern and not being apathetic on what is going on. It is a good news from the bad news. But I hope it will not end here. I pray and hope that President Aquino’s legacy will always be remembered. I pray it will continue to live on in every hearts and minds of each Filipino citizen.

Thank you President Corazon Aquino. Thank you, you made us proud to be Filipinos.

“Ako’y nagpapasalamat sa Panginoong Diyos na ginawa niya akong isang Pilipino“
– Cory Aquino, September 2008

Your eyes lost its shimmer

And doesn’t look to my direction anymore.

…

…

It’s been more than 3 months. I wouldn’t forget… the anniversary of Titanic that is the same day my heart sank. Everything is still fresh. I still could hear the words you uttered and lines you wrote. They echo, they haunt, they torture.

You seem too far away now. You have moved on, perhaps. You already have forgotten.

What did you do? How did you do it? Maybe you can share it to me, and I can apply the same techniques too.

I don’t want to be affected anymore. I don’t want my every move, my every decision to be connected to you. I don’t want every thought about you in my head. I want you out. I want to forget you.

But please tell me how. I do now know how.

I don’t know if I regret meeting you. But if given a chance to turn back time, I will roll it back to that one Sunday of November 2004 and I will not go to that place where I met you. I will change what happened so we I won’t have to hurt you, so you won’t have to hurt me.

It is not supposed to end like this. It’s not supposed to hurt this way

Why does it have to be this way?  Why do I have to meet you? Why?

I want you out. I don’t want anything that has something to do about you anymore. This is not fair. This is so not fair.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

- snow patrol

photograph

I was already feeling really good seeing the picture that will remind you of me, of the times we shared.
I thought maybe it will awaken or revive the lost love in you.
But just moments ago the photograph was replaced.
And it just took my happiness away.

~ july 9, 2009

I want to be relevant

I think I am okay now.

Yeah I guess. I can smile now, laugh and listen to mushy love songs.

Yes, maybe.

But what about those tears I shed this morning?

Oh.

That, that is because I read again what I wrote for him 3 months back.

Okay, I guess I have  moved on at least about 75 percent? or maybe 80 percent.. I don’t really know.  But the good thing now is I am moving forward. Somehow I can say I am okay. Life goes on… Memories will make me shed tears again I know and I don’t know when it will strike again.

Now, I am fine.

I guess I am starting to dream again.

A good sign.

A start.

Hopefully.

What are the things in my mind?

Photography.

Art.

Learn.

Study.

Write.

Travel.

Innovate.

Effective.

Influence.

Encourage.

Inspire.

Success.

Serve.

I want to do the right things. Things that are relevant. Things that matters, that really matters.

I want to pursue the things I like and love. With passion. With my heart. With my soul.

I want to take pictures.

I want to design shirts and bags with inspiring and striking statements written in them.

I want to draw.

I want to write. Write my story. Write my thoughts. Write what I’ve learned. So others may learn too.

I want to teach. Teach English and the right values. Teach the people to love others. To love their countries.

I want to be relevant.

awesome Jars of Clay video (TWO HANDS)

TWO HANDS by Jars of Clay

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

Chorus*
*I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high*

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

(Chorus)

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

(Chorus)

Lifted high,
Lifted high

What’s in my bag?

I suddenly thought blogging about the contents of the bag I use almost everyday. People are always wondering what’s inside my bag because it’s quite bigger than the usual bags that most women have or use when they go to work or somewhere. Often people wonder why do I have to carry such a huge bag, actually two bags..haha.. the other one is quite small though that I use for my slippers or umbrella and my packed lunch. I just can’t leave the house without my bag and everything inside it. I just don’t feel complete if I don’t have them with me even if I don’t get to use all of them.

So here are the things that can be found inside my bag:

1. My Starbucks journal. (can’t leave without it)
2. A book (Kapitan Sino -” Captain Who” in English, haha by my favorite Filipino author)
3. Pad paper (yellow one, about 6x5i inches in size)
4. Perfume (Hot- United Colors of Benetton)
5. Pencil case (inside are 2 pens, pencil, mechanical pencil, extra leads for my mechanical pencil, 3 ponytails, 3 pairs of earrings, pins, hairpins, hairclips)
6. Pouch bag or my vanity kit (inside are face powder, eyeliner,lipstick, blush on, clear mascara, black mascara, facial cream, lip gloss, medicine kit, vitamins, nail cutter, cologne, toothpaste, 2 pens, tissue paper, 2 sanitary napkins,  ponytail)
7. toothbrush
8. small bottle of isopropyl alcohol.
9. post its notes
10. nokia hands free kit
11. wallet
12. coin purse
13. comb
14. eyeglasses
15. sunglasses
16. company ID
17.extra underwear. (LOL. for emergency purposes)
18. keys
19. memory card
20. mobile phone
21. mirror
22. A lot of receipts
23. a broken Timex watch. =( Still need to have it fixed.
24. Bible

Even if I don’t get to use all of them in a day, these are a must bring stuff for me, especially my journal or any writing materials because I always write. I can live without a mobile  phone but not without a paper and a pen. I would die!!! LOL. But yeah seriously, I just can’t go anywhere without them. I want to be always ready if an I idea will pop up.

my June 12

Okay for a change, I won’t write about my love life. LOL.

Right now, I am okay. Tomorrow, I don’t know. At least I am fine today and that is what is important.

I’m at work but just being bored. I’ve been siting here just reading stuff on the net. I have tasks to do but this “friday sickness” has infected me, haha that made me unproductive. I guess it’s because it’s holiday today. Oh well today, we are commemorating the 111th Independence Day of the Philippines from the Spanish rulers, but I am here at the office, working. Talk about “independence/freedom”.

I’m a corporate slave. huhuhuhu…. LOL.

So what happened today so far? Well, I have read Adolf Hitler‘s biography on answers.com. How I came to that was through reading Anne Frank‘s biography too as she is being featured on answers.com‘s homepage for being born on this day. I have learned a lot today about history. Like Hitler being a monorchid and having an Oedipus complex. Ewwwww… LOL. Then the “Secret Annex” or the Anne Frank’s house in the Netherlands. Then some Ghandhi stories and other Indian-related information.

Okay, stop there. I won’t mention anything anymore about India, it might just lead to some stories about my love life. LOL.

Okay, I went out from the office to take a break. I thought of spending it in my favorite Starbucks store in Bonifacio High Street, but to my disgrace, there are too many people swarming in and outside of the Mall, invading the Fort area. There was like a “diaspora” of people, leaving their homes and going to the Bonifacio High Street and Market! Market! Oh yeah, it’s holiday today, what would I expect? Filipinos are mall-loving people hehe.. and would rather spend their “holiday” in malls. Plus there is the “Ako Mismo” concert in the Fort Area so that explains why. I was invited though to go there at the launching of Ako Mismo campaign by my friend’s brother who is working for the organization, unfortunately I am stuck here at work until 9pm tonight, the same time the Ako Mismo event will end. Hmmp!

But that still didn’t ruin my day. And I hope and pray nothing will. Please Lord.

It’s a Friday so here at my office, it means, Videoke day! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Every Friday is a videoke day! But I haven’t tried singing there yet eversince it was installed in our pantry last week. Hmmm…

Alright, I have an hour and a half left before I could go home. Home? Yeah I guess, I have nowhere to go tonight. No appointments. No ‘gimmicks’. No gig. So I’ll head home.  But which home? My place or my parents’? I am still not decided. I hope in an hour I will already have it figure out.

So, it’s weekend… what are my plans? So far, the only plan I have is to clean my place. That’s all. And maybe read some books? Or maybe watch some movies? I am not sure yet.

Weekends…now this reminds me of my good friend Idris or Idy as I fondly call him. He used to ask me what my weekend plans are and shares his. But it’s been more than half a year now since I heard from him. Sad. =( I miss my friend Idy. Hope he contacts us (Fatih and I) soon.

(* I have written something about that British friend of mine in my journal. I will soon post it here.)

of bravery, pain and letting go

I realized I’m not brave enough yet. After reading an article about a college girl deleting her what-seems-to-be-the-most-important-and-easiest-way-to connect-these-days, I meant facebook account, I have thought about if I could do the same. Not my facebook account. But all that connects me to my now, ex-bf. His mobile numbers, his yahoo, gmail and skype account, even my other orkut account that I use to know what he says to others a.k.a. spying, which one of the causes of big fight that lead to a painful breakup. I don’t know if I can stop asking his roommate how he is doing figuratively and literally at that moment, even though I have told a few times it’s going to be the last time I will ever ask about my ex. And that fact that I told him(ex), I’m going away from his life forever and that he need not to worry no more because i wont bother his friends too. That he will hear nothing about me and will completely step out from his life. Yet still from a distance, I still use my “connections” to get to know what’s going on in his life. Although, I wish I could just ask him by myself like I used to. But I can’t. I just can’t. There are times when I see him online and wish he is talking to me, me hearing his voice from the headset, instead of him exchanging scraps to some random people added on his “friend’s list”. Although, I stopped being “available” by hiding or setting into the invisible mode. Yes I have deleted him from my yahoo messenger and changed his visibility on my contact list on gmail to “never show”. Yet he isn’t blocked so if one crazy odd day he would just thought about sending a message, he could. He isn’t blocked. If he didn’t delete me, he can see whenever I am online. So I just set my messengers limited to people I need to communicate to for now. Although I really didn’t know if I am still on his list or he already had scrapped me out, though the last time we talked he said he will think about deleting it then after that, he said he won’t..so I’m not sure. But knowing his fickle mindedness, he might have deleted it, or maybe not. I can’t say. Whichever the case, I made myself unavailable on his sight now. I am also spending less time with the computer these days so I won’t be tempted to lurk on his profiles all day long. But sometimes, I do that because there were a few instances a few days back while I was looking at his profile picture in orkut, I felt like I was staring at a stranger’s photo. It was weird. really weird. I had to look again and again to feel him. I am starting to feel the “distance” between us.

Recently, his roommate informed me that he left for another city, the one he used to lived and where his sister lives at the moment. I asked if he knew the reason. He said, he didn’t say anything except for visiting his sister. But something in me didn’t find that answer satisfying. So a night after that I lurked into his profile again and saw his message to one of his online friends and read that he is there to find some peace of mind because he is feeling so down these days and wanted to be alone, just by himself and stuff like that. Somehow I knew, something is wrong. He doesn’t have friends to hang out with in that city he intends to stay for a few months for a course he needs to take. Yeah his roommates are both nice enough according to him and I agree because I get to interact with one of them too. Yet still he probably feels “alone” and “disconnected” so he headed to a place familiar, with a person that may give comfort to him. Though I know he wouldn’t mention a word to his sister about what he feels and what happened to us. But merely having a family member around will help, just like what is happening to me as I spend more time at home with my family even if they don’t have a slightest idea of what had transpired a few weeks back.

I don’t know if I will have the courage to delete that other account which serves as the way to get through him. Or even stop bugging his roommates about what he’s doing. Can I do it? Can I endure the fact that I have no other means of knowing if he is fine or not? If he cries or rejoices?

I guess, I just can’t accept the fact that I am no longer part of his life. I want to be, I still want to be. But he does not want it anymore. All I could do now is “watch” him from a distance. Not stalk him though. It’s just I can’t just let go of him yet. I still call his name at night.

I am not brave.

I still want him and need him.

And it pains so much.

mistake

Looks like I made a mistake and was just being too paranoid. I hate it when that happens to me. I really need to trust him 100%. But trust is being earned isn’t? Oh well, it’s all a matter of trusting your partner.

decision

Okay, for now I will just let him. I won’t say anything. I won’t ask. I won’t exert an effort to reach out to him. This time I’ll see what he will do.

Actually I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do. I guess I should just leave myself be drowned in this ugly side of love…feeling the pain, drowning and drowning into it. Perhaps, after this I will feel disgusted and take action, or I will become numb in the fullest sense of the word.

I guess I will just wait for the right time.

I will just go on with my life… doing something I do everyday… oh no, not that..because he is part of my “everyday”, so rather a more focus on myself this time, how to utilize my skills more, try to become a better person, a more competitive one, a good daughter and sister and aunt, a genuine servant of God, a friend to all my friends, learn more, increase and advance my knowledge… all these for now.

I will set him aside for the mean time. I will scrap him out of my priorities now. After all, I am not even part of his priorities too. I feel like I am just a “part” of his life and not his “life” at all. Unlike me, my life revolves around him. Every decision I make is related to him, to us, for our future…

I’m saving money so I can be with him, so by then I will finally get to know if this is a real for keeps. At least it will answer one question in my life. I have to do this now. I know it’s going to be though and it’s a long wait… but I have to endure it. Along the way I know I will experience so much that will either drag me up or down, but I guess I will just go with the flow of these life’s waves until I reach the shore and get my answers.

I won’t disturb him now. I will try my very best not to think of him often. I will keep myself occupied.

I am getting tired but I don’t want to give up.