Yeah I guess. I can smile now, laugh and listen to mushy love songs.
Yes, maybe.
But what about those tears I shed this morning?
Oh.
That, that is because I read again what I wrote for him 3 months back.
Okay, I guess I have moved on at least about 75 percent? or maybe 80 percent.. I don’t really know. But the good thing now is I am moving forward. Somehow I can say I am okay. Life goes on… Memories will make me shed tears again I know and I don’t know when it will strike again.
Now, I am fine.
I guess I am starting to dream again.
A good sign.
A start.
Hopefully.
What are the things in my mind?
Photography.
Art.
Learn.
Study.
Write.
Travel.
Innovate.
Effective.
Influence.
Encourage.
Inspire.
Success.
Serve.
I want to do the right things. Things that are relevant. Things that matters, that really matters.
I want to pursue the things I like and love. With passion. With my heart. With my soul.
I want to take pictures.
I want to design shirts and bags with inspiring and striking statements written in them.
I want to draw.
I want to write. Write my story. Write my thoughts. Write what I’ve learned. So others may learn too.
I want to teach. Teach English and the right values. Teach the people to love others. To love their countries.
I suddenly thought blogging about the contents of the bag I use almost everyday. People are always wondering what’s inside my bag because it’s quite bigger than the usual bags that most women have or use when they go to work or somewhere. Often people wonder why do I have to carry such a huge bag, actually two bags..haha.. the other one is quite small though that I use for my slippers or umbrella and my packed lunch. I just can’t leave the house without my bag and everything inside it. I just don’t feel complete if I don’t have them with me even if I don’t get to use all of them.
So here are the things that can be found inside my bag:
1. My Starbucks journal. (can’t leave without it)
2. A book (Kapitan Sino -” Captain Who” in English, haha by my favorite Filipino author)
3. Pad paper (yellow one, about 6×5i inches in size)
4. Perfume (Hot- United Colors of Benetton)
5. Pencil case (inside are 2 pens, pencil, mechanical pencil, extra leads for my mechanical pencil, 3 ponytails, 3 pairs of earrings, pins, hairpins, hairclips)
6. Pouch bag or my vanity kit (inside are face powder, eyeliner,lipstick, blush on, clear mascara, black mascara, facial cream, lip gloss, medicine kit, vitamins, nail cutter, cologne, toothpaste, 2 pens, tissue paper, 2 sanitary napkins, ponytail)
7. toothbrush
8. small bottle of isopropyl alcohol.
9. post its notes
10. nokia hands free kit
11. wallet
12. coin purse
13. comb
14. eyeglasses
15. sunglasses
16. company ID
17.extra underwear. (LOL. for emergency purposes)
18. keys
19. memory card
20. mobile phone
21. mirror
22. A lot of receipts
23. a broken Timex watch. =( Still need to have it fixed.
24. Bible
Even if I don’t get to use all of them in a day, these are a must bring stuff for me, especially my journal or any writing materials because I always write. I can live without a mobile phone but not without a paper and a pen. I would die!!! LOL. But yeah seriously, I just can’t go anywhere without them. I want to be always ready if an I idea will pop up.
Okay for a change, I won’t write about my love life. LOL.
Right now, I am okay. Tomorrow, I don’t know. At least I am fine today and that is what is important.
I’m at work but just being bored. I’ve been siting here just reading stuff on the net. I have tasks to do but this “friday sickness” has infected me, haha that made me unproductive. I guess it’s because it’s holiday today. Oh well today, we are commemorating the 111th Independence Day of the Philippines from the Spanish rulers, but I am here at the office, working. Talk about “independence/freedom”.
I’m a corporate slave. huhuhuhu…. LOL.
So what happened today so far? Well, I have read Adolf Hitler’s biography on answers.com. How I came to that was through reading Anne Frank’s biography too as she is being featured on answers.com’s homepage for being born on this day. I have learned a lot today about history. Like Hitler being a monorchid and having an Oedipus complex. Ewwwww… LOL. Then the “Secret Annex” or the Anne Frank’s house in the Netherlands. Then some Ghandhi stories and other Indian-related information.
Okay, stop there. I won’t mention anything anymore about India, it might just lead to some stories about my love life. LOL.
Okay, I went out from the office to take a break. I thought of spending it in my favorite Starbucks store in Bonifacio High Street, but to my disgrace, there are too many people swarming in and outside of the Mall, invading the Fort area. There was like a “diaspora” of people, leaving their homes and going to the Bonifacio High Street and Market! Market! Oh yeah, it’s holiday today, what would I expect? Filipinos are mall-loving people hehe.. and would rather spend their “holiday” in malls. Plus there is the “Ako Mismo” concert in the Fort Area so that explains why. I was invited though to go there at the launching of Ako Mismo campaign by my friend’s brother who is working for the organization, unfortunately I am stuck here at work until 9pm tonight, the same time the Ako Mismo event will end. Hmmp!
But that still didn’t ruin my day. And I hope and pray nothing will. Please Lord.
It’s a Friday so here at my office, it means, Videoke day! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Every Friday is a videoke day! But I haven’t tried singing there yet eversince it was installed in our pantry last week. Hmmm…
Alright, I have an hour and a half left before I could go home. Home? Yeah I guess, I have nowhere to go tonight. No appointments. No ‘gimmicks’. No gig. So I’ll head home. But which home? My place or my parents’? I am still not decided. I hope in an hour I will already have it figure out.
So, it’s weekend… what are my plans? So far, the only plan I have is to clean my place. That’s all. And maybe read some books? Or maybe watch some movies? I am not sure yet.
Weekends…now this reminds me of my good friend Idris or Idy as I fondly call him. He used to ask me what my weekend plans are and shares his. But it’s been more than half a year now since I heard from him. Sad. =( I miss my friend Idy. Hope he contacts us (Fatih and I) soon.
(* I have written something about that British friend of mine in my journal. I will soon post it here.)
I realized I’m not brave enough yet. After reading an article about a college girl deleting her what-seems-to-be-the-most-important-and-easiest-way-to connect-these-days, I meant facebook account, I have thought about if I could do the same. Not my facebook account. But all that connects me to my now, ex-bf. His mobile numbers, his yahoo, gmail and skype account, even my other orkut account that I use to know what he says to others a.k.a. spying, which one of the causes of big fight that lead to a painful breakup. I don’t know if I can stop asking his roommate how he is doing figuratively and literally at that moment, even though I have told a few times it’s going to be the last time I will ever ask about my ex. And that fact that I told him(ex), I’m going away from his life forever and that he need not to worry no more because i wont bother his friends too. That he will hear nothing about me and will completely step out from his life. Yet still from a distance, I still use my “connections” to get to know what’s going on in his life. Although, I wish I could just ask him by myself like I used to. But I can’t. I just can’t. There are times when I see him online and wish he is talking to me, me hearing his voice from the headset, instead of him exchanging scraps to some random people added on his “friend’s list”. Although, I stopped being “available” by hiding or setting into the invisible mode. Yes I have deleted him from my yahoo messenger and changed his visibility on my contact list on gmail to “never show”. Yet he isn’t blocked so if one crazy odd day he would just thought about sending a message, he could. He isn’t blocked. If he didn’t delete me, he can see whenever I am online. So I just set my messengers limited to people I need to communicate to for now. Although I really didn’t know if I am still on his list or he already had scrapped me out, though the last time we talked he said he will think about deleting it then after that, he said he won’t..so I’m not sure. But knowing his fickle mindedness, he might have deleted it, or maybe not. I can’t say. Whichever the case, I made myself unavailable on his sight now. I am also spending less time with the computer these days so I won’t be tempted to lurk on his profiles all day long. But sometimes, I do that because there were a few instances a few days back while I was looking at his profile picture in orkut, I felt like I was staring at a stranger’s photo. It was weird. really weird. I had to look again and again to feel him. I am starting to feel the “distance” between us.
Recently, his roommate informed me that he left for another city, the one he used to lived and where his sister lives at the moment. I asked if he knew the reason. He said, he didn’t say anything except for visiting his sister. But something in me didn’t find that answer satisfying. So a night after that I lurked into his profile again and saw his message to one of his online friends and read that he is there to find some peace of mind because he is feeling so down these days and wanted to be alone, just by himself and stuff like that. Somehow I knew, something is wrong. He doesn’t have friends to hang out with in that city he intends to stay for a few months for a course he needs to take. Yeah his roommates are both nice enough according to him and I agree because I get to interact with one of them too. Yet still he probably feels “alone” and “disconnected” so he headed to a place familiar, with a person that may give comfort to him. Though I know he wouldn’t mention a word to his sister about what he feels and what happened to us. But merely having a family member around will help, just like what is happening to me as I spend more time at home with my family even if they don’t have a slightest idea of what had transpired a few weeks back.
I don’t know if I will have the courage to delete that other account which serves as the way to get through him. Or even stop bugging his roommates about what he’s doing. Can I do it? Can I endure the fact that I have no other means of knowing if he is fine or not? If he cries or rejoices?
I guess, I just can’t accept the fact that I am no longer part of his life. I want to be, I still want to be. But he does not want it anymore. All I could do now is “watch” him from a distance. Not stalk him though. It’s just I can’t just let go of him yet. I still call his name at night.
Looks like I made a mistake and was just being too paranoid. I hate it when that happens to me. I really need to trust him 100%. But trust is being earned isn’t? Oh well, it’s all a matter of trusting your partner.
Okay, for now I will just let him. I won’t say anything. I won’t ask. I won’t exert an effort to reach out to him. This time I’ll see what he will do.
Actually I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do. I guess I should just leave myself be drowned in this ugly side of love…feeling the pain, drowning and drowning into it. Perhaps, after this I will feel disgusted and take action, or I will become numb in the fullest sense of the word.
I guess I will just wait for the right time.
I will just go on with my life… doing something I do everyday… oh no, not that..because he is part of my “everyday”, so rather a more focus on myself this time, how to utilize my skills more, try to become a better person, a more competitive one, a good daughter and sister and aunt, a genuine servant of God, a friend to all my friends, learn more, increase and advance my knowledge… all these for now.
I will set him aside for the mean time. I will scrap him out of my priorities now. After all, I am not even part of his priorities too. I feel like I am just a “part” of his life and not his “life” at all. Unlike me, my life revolves around him. Every decision I make is related to him, to us, for our future…
I’m saving money so I can be with him, so by then I will finally get to know if this is a real for keeps. At least it will answer one question in my life. I have to do this now. I know it’s going to be though and it’s a long wait… but I have to endure it. Along the way I know I will experience so much that will either drag me up or down, but I guess I will just go with the flow of these life’s waves until I reach the shore and get my answers.
I won’t disturb him now. I will try my very best not to think of him often. I will keep myself occupied.
Never forget your ancestors. Without them, you would be no one!
Never forget where you came from. One day, you may just be that person holding a sign on the street.
Never think that it won’t happen to you. It always will.
Never underestimate the potential and power of the human spirit!
Never be a slave to circumstances. Be the creator of your destiny.
Never let anyone take away your imagination! Never give up on your dreams.
Never mourn for unfulfilled dreams. Just be glad you even had one so wonderful to remember.
Never think less of yourself, but think of yourself less and all the things you dream of will come to you.
Never settle for anything less than the best.
Never be critical, unless you can do it better.
Never mistake motion for action. Never confuse effort with results.
Never let the fear of the unknown be a reason not to try. Never, ever give up. Never stop trying.
Never start something if you can’t finish it!
Never measure the height of a mountain until you’ve climbed it. Never make a promise you can’t keep.
Never complain about what you permit.
Never attempt to unscrew what you’ve already screwed up. Learn from your mistakes,live with it, and move on.
Never explain. Your friends don’t need it, and your enemies won’t believe it anyway!
Never take to heart the opinions of people who you don’t respect.
Never trust someone who says, “Trust Me”.
Never take a “NO” answer from someone who can’t say “YES”. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Never underestimate the power of a smile.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
Never put paperwork before people work.
Never judge a book by its cover.
Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you.
Never lie or cheat. But, if you must lie, lie in each others arms. And, if you must cheat, cheat death.
Never take advantage of things you have or the people that love you.
Never forget to say “I Love You” before your eyes close at night!
Never wait til tomorrow, for tomorrow may never come.
Just pull this out from one webpage (here: http://www.togetherweteach.com/MoreSayings/never.htm ) when I googled the “Never complain about what you permit.” Something to remind myself. Well the ones in bold are my “Never” favorites.
I have read some of the old posts I have in my now defunct blog at blog-city. Some of them were funny, optimistic, too dramatic and others are just plain non sense. LOL. But I don’t know, what happen to my optimism? I feel like it’s either it has decreased tremendously or I already have lost it completely? I use to write about anything I see and feel. Stories about my stupidity, my childhood memories, how I bully and got bullied, the series of posts I wrote about Mr. Dome Cake! hahaha….and everything. Reading them makes me feel really good. It’s nostalgic. Life that time may not be exactly as extravagant as what I have now but it was fun in its own way. I wasn’t careless but I don’t limit myself too much depriving myself of the things I enjoy. I remember how I would write so long, my readers call it already a novel. hahaha… But so much has changed. I can’t exactly say all these changes are for the better. But I have really come a long way.
A year after the peak of my blogging life, when I somehow lost my interest in updating my space on the web, I have experienced so much, things you can’t even imagine. My life has changed tremendously. It was turned up side down. Wow. Was it for the better? I can’t really say. It has been a roller coaster ride, even up to now. There was even a time I wrote which I titled “I like how things are going this way now” which is about how I got over my ex and how I look at the “bright side of life.” I write poems, both in Filipino and English, trying to become Shakespeare or Balagtas, I would write about the places I’ve been to, people I have talk to, even the sms I received, and I write them in details. My readers were not plenty but they rock! Most of them were young professionals, same age as me at the time, but one thing I was kind of surprised about was attracting a mother to read my blog on a regular basis. She said she likes the way I write, entertaining, full of enthusiasm even if the story is tragic. She said she can relate to my broken hearted posts. Then I wrote about this mysterious guy with nice looking feet I’ve met in a coffee shop where I work. How he puzzles me until now of his identity. The open letter I wrote for myself. The letter for MR. DAWAN! hahaha… (DAWAN- which means “THE ONE”) man, look how flirt I was (or am?) LOL. I wrote quite a few about men, oh come on, not few, more than a few about men I encountered. hahahaha…. Such a flirt young lady I was.
But I am no longer young now. After about 6 years or more, I am here. Older. Yay! I still have that sense of humor in me but not quite like before. I think some happenings in my life has changed my perspective about the world and people I mingle with. I hate to admit but I have become more of a drama queen now. LOL. And he hates it. I hate it too. Time really can change a person. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.
God, I am really getting old! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!! *panic mode – running around the room screaming!*
I want to go back to that time when hurt and pain hasn’t affected me that much. When I still can wear a big smile despite the hardships I was facing. When I see the world so big and great. When I make friends to just about anybody and just let my guard down.
How nostalgic this is.
I want to go back to the time when I first saw the Mmmbop video on MTV, to the time Joe called me from the airport, before his plane takes off and when he made his overseas call, to the time I realized I had a crush with Mr. Dome Cake, to the time B and I were barely starting our friendship, to the time I met Jars of Clay at Greenbelt mall that I almost fainted when they took my hand for a shake, OMG!, to the time I won a book of Bob Ong’s in one of his online contests, to the time I received an invitation to attend the open poetry contest in Maryland, USA, to the time I bought my first computer out of my own money, to the time when my high school crush Jay talked to me for thinking that I was my sister (he knows my sister and we look like a twin they say), to the time when I would just leave home, go to the mall or park and just sit on the bench or on the grass and write, sip my coffee, look at the people passing by, and of course to the time I first saw him on the camera, how he captured my eyes, though there was a sort of an awkward moment for a few minutes, but it felt good, so good that the things I didn’t expect I’d do, I have done it right that time, to the time I was walking on my way home after our first meeting, the feeling as if you are floating in the air and smiling like a total idiot, to the time he would call me “Jaan” or “Mahal ko” , how we talk about our future and how he wants our future kids to look like me and how I want them to look like him instead, and every time he whispers the 3 most powerful words “I LOVE YOU”. These are some of the good old days I have. The times where I want to be again. If there is only a way I can go back, I would.
what should I write first? Actually I don’t know… I just want to take this moment to sit and write. Actually I don’t want to write…But here I am… To put my feelings into writing this time is somewhat difficult for me.. . I don’t know what I am feeling at the moment. Perhaps, I have already become numb. or I have decided to become numb. But no, I am not. I feel and it hurts so bad.
I’ve been in a roller coaster ride again. Dunno if it’s a coincidental that last year, I was in the same phase with the same person. I don’t know. Maybe I am just really stupid like that. Letting things happen, not just twice but multiple times. Yes, a certified stupid. If there is a certification for stupidity, then I would be issued one. Is it really stupid to love someone? to want to be with someone? to want to share everything with that someone? to believe in that someone? to care for that someone?
This is killing me now.
And when do you really say it’s enough? When do you say it’s really over? Because we have said and done this a few times in the past, but we end up just coming back to each other’s arm again and again. WHY? Why can’t we just let go of each other for good? Why can’t we just move on with our own lives, forgetting each other. After all, like most people say, it should be easier for us since we are not literally together, not living in the same place. Yeah, yeah… if this is that easy, then why are we still here four years later? Why do we come back again and again? Is this going to end? When? If not, why? and why can’t we?
What is the conclusion of all these things?
I am getting tired. But my heart still loves and loves despite the inconsistencies.
Today is my birthday. I just turned 27 and I must admit that, although this isn’t the first time I felt this, I feel old, really old. With 3 years left going to my 3 decades of existence, I’d say that I am quite scared. I know I shouldn’t be as I should put my trust in Him. That is true but I just can’t help but feel this uncertaintly and insecurity of what will take place in the years to come before I turn 30. I am afraid that I would fail and that my existence will be in vain. I know I need to put my trust to God fully and I will through His grace and mercy.
Today, at the church I went to the front to give my life’s testimony on how I’ve experience God’s faithfulness. I couldn’t describe what I was/am feeling even until now. I don’t remember at all when did God first ask me to stand in front and testify about what he did with my career. I think it was 9 months back when I started with my present job. But I failed to do it. Few months passed yet I still feel the urge that God has put into my heart to let the people know about the favor I’ve experienced from Him. Last night, I felt the call of God again for me stand in front and let His name be glorified. And since my birthday falls on a Sunday, I thought it is a great opportunity to give praises and glory back to Him.
So there I was, seated 3-4 rows from the back while my mother preach God’s word and my dad seated in the first row. God was insistently calling me, asking me to do it. In my mind while the sermon was on going, I was rehearsing what I will say in front of the crowd. I was already feeling nervous even though I was just seated there. Then right after the sermon, I went to the first row and sat beside my dad and mom while the church’ secretary was doing an announcement of the coming church activities. Then the urge to come up the stage became stronger. I had few attempts at telling mom about it but I was feeling very nervous and shy that I thought maybe next time or next month since we schedule our “testimony” every first Sunday of the month and it is already a 2nd Sunday. But God was insisting. Then again the thought about, if not today, when? It’s the best time because it’s my birthday! So I reached to my dad and whispered to him that I want to give a testimony. He smiled and said go ahead. But I told him I was shy and I don’t feel comfortable standing in front of a crowd. He said, you shouldn’t be. Then to my mom, she said sure and asked what will you testify. I said, just. But I told her I am shy and having jitters. Then she said okay. But God didn’t give me peace. He was convincing me. So again, I leaned to my mother and asked if the testimony will be right after the announcement. She said yes then asked me if I want to, I said yeah but I am very shy and not very comfortable in front of a crowd. What she said next has really convinced me to stand up. She said, “if you are ashamed of Him, then He will be ashamed of you before the Father.”
Then they called me up… introduced me as the Minister’s daughter though almost everyone knows that I am. All eyes were on me. I was very nervous. I was shaking. I am never used to standing in front of a crowd but for God’s glory, I will do it I thought. I started with the greeting but for some reasons, tears started rolling, perhaps it was a mixed of nervousness and joy for God’s awesomeness. I couldn’t think of the best way to give back praises and glory to him but to overcome my fear of standing in front and give testimony about God’s abounding love and faithfulness. Although, I must admit that I would like to sing a song for God today but too bad I have colds and sore throat, I couldn’t sing. hehe.. It’s true but I think God allowed me to give a testimony instead of singing because there is a tendency that I would go after the applause of the people and not give glory to His name. Perhaps, God allowed the colds and sore throat for a purpose. hahaha..
For all the birthdays that I had, this one is the memorable one. Not only because I am getting older but because I was able to do one thing for God that he’s been asking me to do and that even though, at some point I’ve become very disobedient to Him, yet still he showed me His love and mercy. I may not have someone special now beside me to celebrate this day that the Lord has made for me, I have my family, friends and of course my God, my Jesus, my Savior and to Him, I give back all the glory and thanksgiving.
But today I worked for more than 12 hours. To be exact, 17 hours. Wow! Yeah Wow! and despite having a long day at work, I am still here blogging instead of getting sleep.
I work in a BPO company and my work schedule is at night. It starts 9pm, supposed to end at 6am but eversince I started this job I could just count the few times when I didn’t work overtime. So today, I went home at about 2pm…which is so far the worst “overtime” work I ever did. I don’t know if this is still “healthy” figuratively speaking. It consumes me too much and leaves me less time, actually no time for myself and other things. My life evolves so much in my work. It is actually just work, eat and sleep and work, eat and sleep, and work, eat and sleep. A routine now. I actually don’t have a “life” now.
Okay, before I rant and write more about this. I will get some sleep. I need to. I can’t abuse myself anymore. It might backfire. Plus I still need to be at the office tonight.
Am I workhalic? I don’t think so. I just have no choice for now.
Yes, he said I’m a party pooper. That’s after me telling him about the Halloween party at work that I didn’t participate in, at least in wearing costume. But I wore black shirt.
We have a Halloween celebration at the office but none from our department dressed up for it nor we have the halloween decoration on our work station. So I guess we are all a party pooper!
But I don’t care at all. While others from my department didn’t participate in wearing creepy costumes, might be because they just don’t feel like it or that they have other reasons, my own reason is because we don’t really celebrate it or I personally don’t at all believe in celebrating it. Why? I have reasons.
First, being a Christian, I don’t think I should. And I don’t think I should still elaborate on that.
Second, it’s not too “Filipino”. It’s just too “American” for me. Okay, let me explain. While I don’t have anything against Americans celebrating them, dressing up in scary costumes or something… it’s just not actually the culture in the Philippines. While it is also a holiday in the Philippines on this day, well, Nov. 1 actually, it’s not for Halloween, instead it’s called All Saint’s Day and the day after it, Nov 2, is All Souls Day. Although growing up, I never had heard or seen anyone honoring the “saint’s” during Nov. 1, it is mostly spent going to hometowns and visiting relatives and the grave of the dead loved ones that stretches until Nov 2. It is when they offer flowers and lit candles, and for chinese-filipinos, it is also about offering food. However, growing up in a Christian family, we didn’t really visit grave on the dates mentioned and offer prayers and candles at the same time because we believe that we can visit them anytime in a year, lit candles and that’s it. About praying for them, I don’t think so. They are already dead. I mean, the main reason most Catholics believe that they should pray for the dead love ones is because they believe in purgatory (which Christians like me don’t) and that their dead family member may be in that place so if they keep on praying for them, God will deliver them out from that place and send them to heaven. That’s the reason we don’t have to pray for them anymore. Because it’s either you go to hell or heaven and there is nothing you can do about it anymore once you are in any of that place. We can also visit them on these dates but it’s not just because of the tradition.
Third reason. We are just too busy in our department. We have a lot of workloads at the moment and it can’t be delayed. Yes it may sound too corny but that’s exactly is what happened. Others are interested to have something, but none of us have the time to decorate and I guess some of them as just not interested at all for some reasons. But even if I have the time, I won’t. Others, if they want to, I won’t mind it at all.
So I don’t care if I am called a party pooper or what, as long as I don’t compromise my beliefs and hold on to my conviction no matter which environment I am in.
I’m not sure if this movie will ever hit our local cinemas but whatever happens, I’m going to watch it. The trailer alone was so good, inspiring and touching. Here is the trailer:
I wish he would watch this movie too. Yes we aren’t married yet but I know this will help us in our relationship right now especially that we are in this stage of confusion and in search for answers.
